He Awakens Me

The mere thought of his presence

Lips soft as the petals that brush my face

They taste like mystery and romance

The sweet scent of honeysuckles- teasing that summer is here

Confirmed by the melodic tune of the birds singing with grace

Counting stars and dreaming of dreams

The embrace of love from the moon's beams

Red wine hits my lips

The hint of summer rain in the distance

Thunder and lightening catch our chemistry

The tenderness of his essence

Fingertips tracing the map that my body makes

Clouds of vanilla fill my lungs

Drunk from each breath he takes

The Universe hears the rhythm of our hearts

Open eyes- into my soul he can see

His hair falling on my neck

His skin tastes like the sweet tides of the sea

He smells the lavender of my skin

As he gently whispers the lyrics of my favorite song in my ear

The dawn is drawing near

Chills of satisfaction race down our bodies

My breath catches the dew

Relishing in pure delight of the night

Mourning doves singing- telling him, that he is my love

Close the Door Gently-Don’t Slam it...

We must learn to close the door gently- don’t slam it…

We’ve all had those relationships, dating, hookups, whatever we want to call it, where there was no closure. We were left to dissect the pieces and play detective to figure out where it all went wrong. We tend over analyze what happened. Is there some crazy mathematical equation on why it all went to sh!t?! However, sometimes it’s nothing at all. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes we just fall for the right person at the wrong time- or heck, the wrong person!

All we know is that the other party has ever so gracefully, or not so gracefully, left us sitting, waiting, wishing, wondering…

Some of us lash out. Send mean texts. Call and express our “love” for them trying to woo them back. Write coded Facebook statuses. Some write blogs…All in hopes that some amount of closure will come knocking on our door with an answer to that complex mathematical equation that we have formulated within our minds.

Over time I've learned it is not closure from the other person I need, it is closure within myself that I need, to move on. 

No one likes rejection, failure, but it happens. We must take the time to sit back and meditate on why we feel rejected, why we feel like we have failed, it failed. Find what it is within us that breeds these insecurities. Why do I not feel adequate enough? Was I not beautiful enough? Did I say something wrong? Did I snore? Did me having my own mind and thoughts scare him away? Why am I not worthy? Why? Where did I go wrong?

We may not find the answers we are looking for from the other soul, and it may time a lifetime to answer these questions about ourselves, but at least we are being cognizant of our feelings, our emotions, our desires, and our needs. It gives us the openness and tools to work out our demons, break down our walls, and build up our heart for the next journey.

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel…” Maya Angelou

We cannot burn the bridges of past lovers. As much as we want to go all General Sherman on them, don’t- because at one point in our life, that person and ourselves shared something that was beautiful, that brought a smile to our face- to their face. We shared our life’s dreams and goals, we shared memories, and we shared each other’s body, heart, and soul.

If they come knocking on our closed door, we must be open and honest. We must not speak out of hurt or anger by belittling, patronizing, or offending them. We must speak to them in a calm and mellow tone, taking away the hurt- but not the feelings. Hurtful talk brings up more pain, words we wish we could take back…Talking with our feelings can let them see the depth of the situation, the true depth and colors of our soul. By doing this, both parties can grow from the relationship and the situation. Better prepared for the next journey life takes them on.

Spread love. Forgive. Forget the pain. Be in the present moment, not in the past, and not in the future. 

Just breathe and let it be…and close that door ever so gently…

 

Love Like You Need...

Every human in this world has the undeniable desire for true love, real love, pure love. The ability to have someone love them unconditionally, for all of their beautiful flaws and mistakes. 

Finding someone who understands the music of your heart, the places you have been, who you want to be, the places you go in your mind, the unforeseeable and ever-changing adventures we all live - finding someone who finds all of this beautiful and loves you regardless is just about as peaceful as the sun's rays reaching your face after many days of clouds and darkness. 

Finding someone that is content in sitting in silence with you. Silence brings fear to most, but to those in love- it brings passion, understanding, and peace. Holds your hand. Searches for your touch under the sheets as you sleep- just so you can be connected in the hours of rest. Smiles just knowing that you are breathing. Watches you from afar admiring your soul within your shell. 

Someone that knows your journey, your story, and loves you even more for where you have been and wants to be a part of where you go!

It sounds pretty easy to do, but is it?

Love scares so many people. I know it scares me. It opens you up, makes you vulnerable because you are sharing a piece of you that is often hidden in the depths of your soul. Is that not scary? Having someone see all of your light as well as all of your dark? But when you strip away the fear that is always holding us back from the light, the truth, the beauty of life- you can find the ultimate gift- love! 

How does one strip away the fear so they can embark on journey of love?

As if there were perfect guidelines on how to love… If there were, I'd be a millionaire… All I can honestly say through numerous trials and tribulations, is to: 

Love yourself.
If you do not love yourself first, no one else will…Fall in love with yourself…You are worthy of love. You are worthy of happiness. You are worthy of a life filled with laughter and joy!

Be open & honest.
Speak your mind, your heart, your soul…Have no restraints to your feelings…Those restraints are caused by fear! There is no need for fear in regards to love… Which leads to…

Be wild. 
Love like there is no tomorrow…Love as though it is all you know to do…Let it capture your mind, your soul, every molecule within your being- let that be what drives you through your day…

Be free. 
Love like there are no boundaries…Have no reservations. No ego. Be YOU!…Do not be afraid to make mistakes. Do not be afraid to be rejected. LIVE! LOVE! You are only given a short amount of time on this Earth…so embrace every moment of your life loving what makes your soul sing! 

Be silent...

Yesterday while drinking my coffee in the field, watching Earl the pig, Max, Bit, and Jack the pups play in the sunshine, I decided to work on my positive affirmations… I'm trying to put out in to the Universe all that my heart and dreams desire……Physically say it out loud…I try to do it in the morning with my grateful meditation. At night, I meditate on my vision board…Stare at each picture and visualize the goals…

Letting the warmth of the sun heat up my bones, a beautiful yellow butterfly caught my eye…Danced right beside me then put on an elegant show amongst the purple flowers in the field... I felt her with me... Comfort and peace… There is no doubt in my mind that it was my beautiful cousin Britni…No doubt! Coming to me, showing me all the beauty that is here with me in this world…

"We only part to meet again…" 

If you've ever lost a loved one, then you know how hard it is being unable to pick up and call them on the phone…But I find that they are still here, in other ways…Be observant because they are always with you…Every time a butterfly passes by, I feel her with me…

"Silence speaks when words can't…"

Nature has a way of being that open space where souls and spirits can connect with each other…

"The Earth has music for those who listen…"

Take some time to just sit in silence in nature…Let it speak to you…I promise you will find something in it…Pinky promise :)

Be positive...

So I went through an old journal the other day- looking for feelings/thoughts/emotions during a certain time in my life, when I came across a bunch of sad pathetic entries. These entries just made me sad and overcome with grief for that broken woman I once was. Every one was the same damn thing, now mind you it was over an extended period of time, but I only wrote about the negative-never the positive... I didn't even mention the love I found in my heart during that summer with a soul I had always cared for ... I just wrote about the darkness that I let consume the molecules that make me Hannah Marie…What a shame that I could not see that there was positivity around me- love- caring, all that I needed to bring me back from depression…

It led me to the subject of negativity/positivity...I was very depressed and no one knew it- I hid it, or maybe I just thought I hid it. I let people know my pain, but not the depths- I kept that for myself…I searched for myself in others- I wasn't there...it took me being alone to find myself.  Others were there to offer love, light, laughter, etc- but I just didn't want it…I wanted to be blue. Depression is contagious and I was of a weak mind. I soaked up the blue days around me and made them mine- I fed into the pity, self-loathing, and clinginess. I was a mess! I honestly thought that it would never end and I would always be so unhappy with life that I would never again experience the joys I had once embraced. 

There are so many people suffering from depression, yet there is still a stigma that we shouldn't be depressed. I want everyone to know it is ok to feel down and wallow just a bit in your sadness because it makes the sweet that much sweeter, it shows you what you want and don't want, and it helps you to find your true feelings and rawness! I encourage you to talk about it too... let's end the stigma!! And if you have thoughts of ending your life, please reach out for help! Please! Your life is worth living- I promise!

I personally believe in the power of thought- what you put into the universe you get back. So all that time I put negativity out in my journal- I received it in my life. When I put out positive affirmations, positive things happen! Be careful how you speak throughout your day. It's ok to complain, we all do it- but don't let it consume you and don't let it be a daily habit. Laugh at life- it's funny! Laugh at love- it's funny! After reading that horrible journal I wanted to burn all that negativity- but I won't because it gives me insight in to where I was and where I came from- who I am now is not the same woman and I fought damn hard to be different from- that negative Nancy!

A little lesson I try to live by, is for every negative thought I have or word I say, I try to put out two positive thoughts or words…Counteracting my poor thoughts, feelings, and words…Let's stop breaking each other down…Let's build each other up and share compliments and love! 

Be in love...

If you've never been around a bunch of yogis/yoginis, then you may not understand the peace that comes from being in a hot sweaty room filled with 5-40 strangers (or are we?!) who have just completed an intense physical and spiritual journey on that magic yoga mat! The moment I felt that- I understood true gratitude, true peace within my self, and the most important for me…self-love! People can call people who practice yoga: hippies, dirty hippies, etc., and I am completely fine with that! Thank you for the compliment! 

Yoga saved me from myself! I was in a really dark place…I was fearful of all the change coming my way, the idea of being alone, the pain and heartbreak of divorce, picking up the pieces and rebuilding myself…Would anyone ever love me again? Why didn't it work? What could I have done differently? Why didn't I do it differently? I mean- the list can go on and on… but I will not bore you with those cynical and mediocre thoughts. When I strip away all of the emotions and analyze the questions of how I felt, it ultimately boiled down to one thing- I did not love myself enough to be content with being "alone." I had spent my entire life being who I thought other people wanted me to be, therefore always having someone, but never having myself. It was not them that made me feel inferior, it was my own ego. I never truly learned to love myself, how could I expect myself to love others or for others to fully love me?

I started one Monday night by randomly taking a bikram class with a friend. The yoga high I got after that class was so amazing! Upon leaving, they told me about a 30 day challenge, 30 yoga classes in 30 days! Heck- sign me up! So I did…those 30 days I saw the most growth I have ever seen within myself- physically, spiritually, and emotionally. From that point on, I took many more classes, finding myself in the postures, sweat, heat, and within the community of yogis/yoginis! One teacher in particular, I call her my mentor, focuses more on the spirituality, the true journey of yourself through yoga…this teacher helped show me myself! She encouraged me when I wanted to give up. Her loving and nurturing character was there for me when I needed it most. She helped me find the path to loving my mind, my heart, my soul, and my body.

I'm still on the journey…it is life- it does not end until you take your last breath. I now know gratitude from witnessing my fellow classmates thank our instructor for encouraging us, being thankful for the time we spent on the mat, for the prayers and positive thoughts given to us in that moment, and for the ability to be egoless in a world where ego drives most. Oh and I am so grateful when they hand us that cold lavender doused towel! :) I now know true peace within myself from laying in savasana after class, relaxing, letting go of all the hard work I put in, letting go of that journey and letting the Universe just guide me to where

I am supposed to be next. I know that when my mind is rambling, my heart is hurting, to take a few minutes and open up my body, my mind! Do a few poses and feel what is true and real: my breath, my body, my soul! I now know self-love…I am thankful for everything that makes me me, the good, the bad, the ugly…without those- I would not be me…I love my mind for all that it can comprehend, all that it can learn, and all that it struggles with. I love my heart for it's never ending ability to see the potential in everyone…I love my soul for it's ability to pick up the pieces and move on when it is ready (the only patient thing within my existence is my soul…my heart, body, and mind- not so much)…I love my body for waking every morning, breathing every second, embracing Mother Nature, music, and good food! I can honestly say now- I love myself. It's not a self-centered, narcissistic, conceited, egotistical thing to do…It's a healthy love that will only help further your capabilities of love with other souls!

I leave you with Namaste..."I honor the place in you where Spirit lives, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Truth, of Light, of Peace, when you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, then we are One."

This picture is on my vision board :) 

Be grateful...

Yesterday was my birthday. Another year older, but I still feel as though I am 17 :)  I personally like to make "resolutions" on my birthday, because to me, that is the beginning of a new year for myself. So one of my "resolutions" is to start each day with a grateful heart! Meditate on what it is I have and to be thankful for all that I have, all that I have lost, and all that may come my way. I plan to sit with these thoughts every morning. It is a humbling act that can remind you of all the positive in your life, stripping away the negative. Those negative thoughts/feelings/etc you have, they can be turned to the positive. For example, you are having conflict with your significant other- take that and turn it to the positive, you have love- you have loved- you feel…ultimately, you are alive! These gratitude meditations can also teach you to be thankful for all those in your life. Everyone you meet is there to teach you something. So take the time to understand and be thankful for all that they are teaching you and bringing to you, each day you spend with them. I hope to personally gain from my gratitude mediations a sense of calm over the events I cannot control and understand that if you plan anything, plan for change! And to be grateful for the experience and any feelings that came from it, because life is a never ending lesson of learning!

So each morning, set your intentions for the day, focus on all that you are grateful for, and watch the transformation in your life! It's bound to be a beautiful journey!