Be positive...

So I went through an old journal the other day- looking for feelings/thoughts/emotions during a certain time in my life, when I came across a bunch of sad pathetic entries. These entries just made me sad and overcome with grief for that broken woman I once was. Every one was the same damn thing, now mind you it was over an extended period of time, but I only wrote about the negative-never the positive... I didn't even mention the love I found in my heart during that summer with a soul I had always cared for ... I just wrote about the darkness that I let consume the molecules that make me Hannah Marie…What a shame that I could not see that there was positivity around me- love- caring, all that I needed to bring me back from depression…

It led me to the subject of negativity/positivity...I was very depressed and no one knew it- I hid it, or maybe I just thought I hid it. I let people know my pain, but not the depths- I kept that for myself…I searched for myself in others- I wasn't there...it took me being alone to find myself.  Others were there to offer love, light, laughter, etc- but I just didn't want it…I wanted to be blue. Depression is contagious and I was of a weak mind. I soaked up the blue days around me and made them mine- I fed into the pity, self-loathing, and clinginess. I was a mess! I honestly thought that it would never end and I would always be so unhappy with life that I would never again experience the joys I had once embraced. 

There are so many people suffering from depression, yet there is still a stigma that we shouldn't be depressed. I want everyone to know it is ok to feel down and wallow just a bit in your sadness because it makes the sweet that much sweeter, it shows you what you want and don't want, and it helps you to find your true feelings and rawness! I encourage you to talk about it too... let's end the stigma!! And if you have thoughts of ending your life, please reach out for help! Please! Your life is worth living- I promise!

I personally believe in the power of thought- what you put into the universe you get back. So all that time I put negativity out in my journal- I received it in my life. When I put out positive affirmations, positive things happen! Be careful how you speak throughout your day. It's ok to complain, we all do it- but don't let it consume you and don't let it be a daily habit. Laugh at life- it's funny! Laugh at love- it's funny! After reading that horrible journal I wanted to burn all that negativity- but I won't because it gives me insight in to where I was and where I came from- who I am now is not the same woman and I fought damn hard to be different from- that negative Nancy!

A little lesson I try to live by, is for every negative thought I have or word I say, I try to put out two positive thoughts or words…Counteracting my poor thoughts, feelings, and words…Let's stop breaking each other down…Let's build each other up and share compliments and love! 

Be in love...

If you've never been around a bunch of yogis/yoginis, then you may not understand the peace that comes from being in a hot sweaty room filled with 5-40 strangers (or are we?!) who have just completed an intense physical and spiritual journey on that magic yoga mat! The moment I felt that- I understood true gratitude, true peace within my self, and the most important for me…self-love! People can call people who practice yoga: hippies, dirty hippies, etc., and I am completely fine with that! Thank you for the compliment! 

Yoga saved me from myself! I was in a really dark place…I was fearful of all the change coming my way, the idea of being alone, the pain and heartbreak of divorce, picking up the pieces and rebuilding myself…Would anyone ever love me again? Why didn't it work? What could I have done differently? Why didn't I do it differently? I mean- the list can go on and on… but I will not bore you with those cynical and mediocre thoughts. When I strip away all of the emotions and analyze the questions of how I felt, it ultimately boiled down to one thing- I did not love myself enough to be content with being "alone." I had spent my entire life being who I thought other people wanted me to be, therefore always having someone, but never having myself. It was not them that made me feel inferior, it was my own ego. I never truly learned to love myself, how could I expect myself to love others or for others to fully love me?

I started one Monday night by randomly taking a bikram class with a friend. The yoga high I got after that class was so amazing! Upon leaving, they told me about a 30 day challenge, 30 yoga classes in 30 days! Heck- sign me up! So I did…those 30 days I saw the most growth I have ever seen within myself- physically, spiritually, and emotionally. From that point on, I took many more classes, finding myself in the postures, sweat, heat, and within the community of yogis/yoginis! One teacher in particular, I call her my mentor, focuses more on the spirituality, the true journey of yourself through yoga…this teacher helped show me myself! She encouraged me when I wanted to give up. Her loving and nurturing character was there for me when I needed it most. She helped me find the path to loving my mind, my heart, my soul, and my body.

I'm still on the journey…it is life- it does not end until you take your last breath. I now know gratitude from witnessing my fellow classmates thank our instructor for encouraging us, being thankful for the time we spent on the mat, for the prayers and positive thoughts given to us in that moment, and for the ability to be egoless in a world where ego drives most. Oh and I am so grateful when they hand us that cold lavender doused towel! :) I now know true peace within myself from laying in savasana after class, relaxing, letting go of all the hard work I put in, letting go of that journey and letting the Universe just guide me to where

I am supposed to be next. I know that when my mind is rambling, my heart is hurting, to take a few minutes and open up my body, my mind! Do a few poses and feel what is true and real: my breath, my body, my soul! I now know self-love…I am thankful for everything that makes me me, the good, the bad, the ugly…without those- I would not be me…I love my mind for all that it can comprehend, all that it can learn, and all that it struggles with. I love my heart for it's never ending ability to see the potential in everyone…I love my soul for it's ability to pick up the pieces and move on when it is ready (the only patient thing within my existence is my soul…my heart, body, and mind- not so much)…I love my body for waking every morning, breathing every second, embracing Mother Nature, music, and good food! I can honestly say now- I love myself. It's not a self-centered, narcissistic, conceited, egotistical thing to do…It's a healthy love that will only help further your capabilities of love with other souls!

I leave you with Namaste..."I honor the place in you where Spirit lives, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Truth, of Light, of Peace, when you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, then we are One."

This picture is on my vision board :) 

Be grateful...

Yesterday was my birthday. Another year older, but I still feel as though I am 17 :)  I personally like to make "resolutions" on my birthday, because to me, that is the beginning of a new year for myself. So one of my "resolutions" is to start each day with a grateful heart! Meditate on what it is I have and to be thankful for all that I have, all that I have lost, and all that may come my way. I plan to sit with these thoughts every morning. It is a humbling act that can remind you of all the positive in your life, stripping away the negative. Those negative thoughts/feelings/etc you have, they can be turned to the positive. For example, you are having conflict with your significant other- take that and turn it to the positive, you have love- you have loved- you feel…ultimately, you are alive! These gratitude meditations can also teach you to be thankful for all those in your life. Everyone you meet is there to teach you something. So take the time to understand and be thankful for all that they are teaching you and bringing to you, each day you spend with them. I hope to personally gain from my gratitude mediations a sense of calm over the events I cannot control and understand that if you plan anything, plan for change! And to be grateful for the experience and any feelings that came from it, because life is a never ending lesson of learning!

So each morning, set your intentions for the day, focus on all that you are grateful for, and watch the transformation in your life! It's bound to be a beautiful journey!

Be courageous…

The struggle of starting this blog has really made me question some things…I may be a little too open- maybe... It's in my genetic makeup. I wear my heart on my sleeve, my feelings on my face, and I am not good at keeping how I feel inside…makes me feel as though I will explode if I don't just let it all go! My intentions of sharing my life is the hopes that I can reach someone…maybe help someone who is going through something similar, or who has, or who will. I want to be that ear, the help you need when you don't know where else to go, to encourage you through all the ups and downs through the journey of life. I feel that is my calling in life- and for that, I will not apologize for being so open...Everyone needs someone sometimes…

I'm launching this blog for my birthday…Another year older, another year wiser…? ;) I'm at a really good place in my life! Not where I ever imagined myself to be at 28…but I wouldn't trade it for anything! An independent, self-reliant, growing, ever changing, woman on a journey. I thought, as a child, that by 25 I'd have my life all figured out, but I took the path less traveled. And I wouldn't be who I am today if it were not for my struggles and journeys of my yesterdays. And in that journey- I found myself, I learned to love myself, and learned- don't compromise yourself, you are all you have… I am still in the process of creating "who I am truly meant to be" and it's a journey that will continue for life. This journey is teaching me a little thing called patience, which I have very little of…I think that's the Universe's plan- to teach me patience!

"A jug fills drop by drop…" ~ Buddha 

The goal of my life is to live each day to the fullest. To never take a breath, a sunrise, a sunset, a song, a meal, a love, for granted. To find the beauty in it all. It's so easy for us to focus on the negative. To let it fester within our minds, heart, and soul…That breaks us down…Live…Don't decompose at the instant of fear, rejection, hate, negativity…Grow from it...

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place..." ~ Kurt Vonnegut

I strongly encourage everyone to take a few minutes out of each day and mediate on your day, your life, the world around you…Journal. Do some yoga, hike, get active! Listen to music…Find what it is that makes your heart sing and your soul feel it's being hugged! Talk to good friends about your dreams, passions, and even pains- they can help you! Don't ever be afraid of what they think- if they judge you, let them go…You don't need that. You are the company in which you keep, so surround yourself with an amazing group of friends! (And I am ever thankful for my amazing family & friends!)

Know that life isn't going to be easy, but it will be worth it…
No one said that it would be easy…
So live out your dreams! 

"Your dreams are a poetic reflection of your soul's wishes. Be courageous enough to follow them..." ~ Steve Maraboli